


Feels Like Home Ficlets

by Ltleflrt



Series: Feels Like Home [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Do not repost, Drabbles, Feels Like Home!Verse, Ficlet Collection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 11,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/pseuds/Ltleflrt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ficlets and drabbles about Kaidan and Matthew Shepard from Feels Like Home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What are you watching?

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on a prompt from Tampon11 on Tumblr. "Kaidan and Shep fighting over remote, oh right in the feels :D #purfect". Actually it may not have been a prompt, but I treated it like one lol

"What the hell are you watching on my TV?"

Kaidan looks up from where he’s sprawled on the couch.  Normandy, curled up on his stomach, mirrors the action.  ”Figure skating.”

Shepard scowls at the screen, then back at his Kaidan.  ”Why?”

"Because it’s the Olympics?"

"That’s hardly an excuse," Shepard says with a snort as he grabs the remote from the coffee table.  He pulls up the guide on the screen, but Kaidan sits up quickly, dislodging the cat, and snatches it.

"I don’t think so," Kaidan says firmly.  He lays back down, sans cat, and laces his fingers over his chest.  The remote is trapped under his hands.  He gives Shepard a mildly reproachful look before turning his attention back to the screen.  "And since when is it  _your_ , TV?” 

"Since you started watching  _figure skating_  on it.  Obviously sharing is not an option if you’re going to watch that.”

Kaidan chuckles but doesn’t stop watching the couple gliding gracefully together across the screen.  ”Could be worse.  I could be watching Curling.”

Shepard refuses to admit that he actually finds that sport interesting, and decides to go for the remote again.  Kaidan jerks it away quickly, and Shepard climbs over him on the couch to try and grab it away.  With a twist of his hips, and a physical reminder that he’s just as strong as Shepard, Kaidan dislodges him and hops up from the couch.  

With a smirk, Kaidan shoves the remote down the front of his pants.

Shepard looks up at him from where he’d landed on the floor and grins at the challenge in the other man’s honey-gold eyes.  With a soft grunt, he pushes himself up to his feet.  ”That’s not going to stop me.”

Kaidan takes a step back.  He bares his teeth in a smile that is somehow flirty and also slightly feral.  ”That’s what I’m counting on.”

"Oh, it is  _on.”_

Shepard’s pretty sure Kaidan allowed himself to be caught.  Eventually.  But when they’re naked and sweaty and the remote is forgotten on the floor somewhere in the house, and the figure skating event has been over for a while, Shepard finds that he can’t really care.  

He traces patterns over Kaidan’s stomach idly.  ”So when is Curling going to be on?”

Kaidan groans.  

Shepard laughs.


	2. Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to JJ because she picks the best music for my boys. It’s set in some vague time after the epilogue of Feels Like Home. It’s not the fluffiest story, but there’s a lot of love going on here, and it made me cry a little near the end. So, uh…. you’ve been warned :P
> 
> The song is Hold On by Michael Bublé. If you haven't had a chance to listen to the fanmixes that JJ made for me, you should totally do it. The link is on chapter 1 of Feels Like Home :)

It’s a dream.  

Shepard can usually tell, but that doesn’t stop it from happening.  It’s always the same images, even if it isn’t in the same order.  The sounds are the same.  Screams and gunfire followed by a deadly silence filled only by the crackling of nearby flames.  He can feel the pain in his face, and his leg where it’s broken.  

It’s a distant thing.  And it’s not what holds his attention at the moment.  

He’s left them behind.  Their bodies are too broken to be saved, and he knows that if he stays in the street, he’ll join them.  It took a lot of effort to drag himself into one of the buildings, but his survival instinct has kicked in and he’s pumped so full of adrenaline he keeps expecting himself to Hulk out at any moment.

From the corner of his eye he can see sunlight glinting off the glass embedded in his face.  He wants to pull it out, but he knows better.  It’ll just make things worse.  But the light is distracting him from watching and listening for enemies.

The crunch of a boot on a debris covered floor catches his attention.  But that light is blinding him.  He can’t see.  He can’t-

Shepard’s eyes snap open and he stares out the open window at the full moon.  He frowns in confusion for a moment before he realizes he’s awake.  

He sucks in a deep breath and let’s it out slowly.  It feels good, so he does it again.  That’s when he finally registers the weight of Kaidan’s arm over his chest.  He reaches up and runs his hand over the other man’s warm skin, and smiles.  It’s soothing to know Kaidan is there, but he can still feel the slight tremble in his own fingers.

He tries to relax, but after a few minutes he realizes he’s not going back to sleep.  There is a cold weight in the pit of his stomach, and his breathing keeps speeding up until he forces himself to regulate it.  

Wrinkling his nose in irritation, Shepard carefully extracts himself from the bed.  Kaidan mumbles what sounds like a question, but since his face is buried in his pillow, Shepard doesn’t catch the words.  He whispers an answer about being back soon, which seems to soothe him back to sleep.

Shepard pulls on a pair of sweatpants and pads barefoot into the kitchen.  He doesn’t bother to flip on the light when he digs through the cupboards for a glass and fills it with water.  The cool liquid feels good as he swallows it down.  It washes away the imaginary smoke and grit left in his throat from the dream.

A small body rubs against his legs, and he smiles and lifts his foot to nudge at Normandy.  She rumbles a soft meow and rubs against him a few more times before losing interest in him and wandering away into the darkness.  He thinks briefly about taking a pill and going back to bed.  Very briefly.  Then he shrugs and sets the glass in the sink before going into the living room. 

TV or a movie might help him go back to sleep, but he doesn’t want to disturb Kaidan.  Instead he slips his feet sockless into the shoes he’d left near the door and leaves the house, closing the door very quietly behind him.

The garage lights are too bright when he flips them on, and he has to squint for several minutes, even though he’s got a hand up to shield his eyes.  After a few stinging blinks, he’s able to make his way to a tall workbench at the back where he’s got the iPod stereo sitting next to a carburetor that he needs to take apart and clean.  If he’s not going to sleep, he can at least work on this.

Keeping his hands busy usually helps, and it’s a quiet job, so it won’t disturb Kaidan.

He turns on his iPod and flips through to a playlist Kaidan made for him.  It’s all love songs, but the music is soft and gentle and soothing.  He sets the volume low so it doesn’t echo through the enclosed space and goes to his toolbox to grab what he needs.

Once he starts working on dismantling the carburetor, his hands immediately stop shaking.  His brain shuts down outside of the simple knowledge he needs to complete the task he’s set himself.  

Shepard’s hands are dripping with cleaner when the door to the garage opens and Kaidan steps through.  He looks up to see his husband giving him a sleepy frown, and the sight makes Shepard smile.  

“Hey,” Kaidan mumbles as he squints through the bright light.  “It’s three in the morning.  What are you doing?”

Shepard grabs a towel and begins wiping his hands clean.  “I couldn’t sleep.”

Understanding spreads over Kaidan’s expression.  He lets the door fall shut behind him as he moves further into the garage.  The slap of his bare feet is almost drowned out by the music as he closes the space between them.  “Bad dreams?” he asks as he wraps his arms around Shepard’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder.

Shepard nods and turns into the hug.  “Not the worst I’ve had.”  He buries his face against Kaidan’s neck.  “But it was enough.”

Kaidan’s arms tighten around him.

The garage smells like oil and gasoline and steel, but it blends in with the scent of soap and skin when Shepard inhales.  It settles inside him, and he nuzzles a little closer.

The music is still playing softly in the background, and Kaidan begins rocking slightly to it.  He holds Shepard like that, dancing him in place, through a few songs.  On the third song, he begins to sing along.  

_“…and in the end, when life has got you down, you’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around…”_

Kaidan’s voice is rough and scratchy, and he still sounds half asleep.  But it’s the most beautiful sound in the world right now.  Shepard feels his breath catch, and tears burn under his closed lids.  He squeezes his eyes tighter, but the tears slip free anyway, sliding down the side of his nose to run down over Kaidan’s skin.

The arms around him tighten.   _“_ _So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight.  We are stronger here together, than we could ever be alone.  So hold on to me, don’t you ever let me go.”_   Kaidan turns his head just enough to press a kiss against Shepard’s neck.

He continues to sing through the rest of the song.  Running his hands up and down Shepard’s back, letting him cry.  

The tears end before the song does, but Shepard only presses closer.  “I love you,” he mumbles against Kaidan’s shoulder as the next song starts playing.

“Love you, too,” Kaidan says softly.  His voice has smoothed out after singing and no longer has that rusty just-woke-up edge to it.

Shepard finally lets him go and stands up straight.  He wipes his eyes and face on the back of his arm, careful not to use his hands.  He’d wiped them on the towel, but until he actually washed them with soap and water, he wasn’t going to risk getting chemicals in his already stinging eyes.

Kaidan smiles up at him gently.  “Think you can come back to bed now?”

He does feel more relaxed now.  His body feels heavier, and if he lays down, he could probably go back to sleep.  The knot of cold in his belly was gone, too.  He glances back at the workbench and the partially cleaned carburetor.  It could definitely wait until morning.  “Yeah,” Shepard says, surprised that his voice sounded so rough from the crying.  He clears his throat and tries again.  “Yeah, I think I can sleep now.”

He lets Kaidan lead him back in the house, and then insists they both wash their hands to make sure they don't smell like the solvent he had been using to clean the carburetor pieces.  When they settle back into bed, Shepard turns to face the window.  Enough time has passed that the moon is no longer shining directly through it.  

He falls asleep listening to Kaidan breath, and dreams of the stars. 


	3. Valentine's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again inspired by a song from JJ's fanmix. This one is When You Say You Love Me by Josh Groban.

Sitting in a bar listening to his friends sing Karaoke was not exactly how Kaidan expected to spend his first Valentine’s with Shepard as a married couple.  But as he laughed with everyone else at the way Garrus turned bright pink over the very naughty song Tali was singing directly at him, he realized that this was an annual tradition he could totally get behind.  

Because Citadel was such a small town, with very little to do in the way of romantic dates, Valentine’s had become a group activity.  The Blue Sun would open up for Karaoke night, with a rule that only love songs were allowed.  

Kaidan had laughed when he heard that the very next night was also Karaoke night, but only angry break up songs were allowed.  He was pretty sure that was Zaeed’s idea.

Shepard’s hand was warm on his back as it stroked up and down his spine, and Kaidan leaned forward to brace his arms on the table.  The hand on his back slid down until fingers dipped into the waistband of his jeans, and he grinned around the rim of his beer bottle.  He was having a great time, but if Shepard kept teasing him like that, the evening was going to end early.

Finally Tali’s song was over and she hopped off the stage to a round of cheers and applause, which Kaidan enthusiastically joined in on.  When she plopped down in Garrus’ lap, she kissed him deeply.  She lifted a hand and flipped off everyone at the table when they started hooting at her.

Miranda nudged Jack, who rolled her eyes irritably despite the smile playing around her lips.  “Guess it’s my turn,” she grunted as she pushed up from her seat.  She chugged what was left of her beer and headed for the stage.

Kaidan’s eyes widened.  “Jack sings?”

“She’s related to Shepard,” Joker said from the next table.

“Singing ability is not necessarily genetic, Jeff.” As usual, Edi sounded like she was quoting an encyclopedia.  “Although in this case, I do understand why the connection would be made.”

Before anyone could comment, Jack began to sing.  Kaidan snorted another laugh when he realized the song was _Kiss with a Fist_ by Florence and the Machine.  “That’s appropriate,” he mumbled to no one in particular.  But he’s caught Tali’s eye and she must have understood what he said despite not being able to hear over the music because she grinned and rolled her eyes.

The song was short, and Joker was up next with _Need You Tonight_ by INXS.  Edi’s grin was bright with amusement and promise.

Jack plopped back down in her seat and leaned into Miranda. 

“I don’t think that fit the theme,” Kaidan said to her as Joker began to sing.

“Fuck the theme.”  Jack didn’t even look at him.  Miranda just hugged her closer.

After Joker finished singing, Steve went up next, followed by Garrus, and wow Kaidan always forgot how bad he was.  After a few more people sang, Jack leaned across Shepard and smacked Kaidan in the arm.  “What about you, asshole?  Are you going to sing?”

Kaidan ducked his head.  He hadn’t had quite enough beer yet to work up the courage.  Before he could answer, Shepard jumped in.  “I definitely am.”

“Oh _really?_ ” Jack drawled, her attention no longer focused on Kaidan, much to his relief.  

Shepard only grinned at her.

“It’s going to be sappy, isn’t it?” she prodded when he didn’t volunteer any information.

He just shrugged one shoulder and sipped at his beer.  Jack narrowed her eyes at him, but the music ended, and Shepard’s name was called.  

Shepard set his bottle down and leaned over to kiss Kaidan’s temple before he was up from his chair an bounding towards the raised platform and the microphone.  The scarred side of his face was crinkled with his grin, and his blue eyes sparked at Kaidan across the space as he grabbed the mic.  “I’m sure you can all guess who this is dedicated to.”

Kaidan blushed at the catcalls and the cheers, but didn’t take his eyes off Shepard.  He loved hearing Shepard sing, and he was burning with curiosity about what song he’d signed up for.

The room fell silent as piano music drifted out of the speakers.  Shepard took a deep breath and began to sing.  

 

_Like the sound of silence calling,_

_I hear your voice and suddenly_

_I'm falling, lost in a dream._

 

Kaidan exhaled suddenly.  He couldn’t look away from Shepard as he sang.

 

_Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,_

_You say those words and my heart stops beating._

_I wonder what it means._

_What could it be that comes over me?_

_At times I can't move._

_At times I can hardly breathe._

 

He knew the song.  It was beautiful, and he’d heard Shepard humming it under his breath sometimes.  

 

_When you say you love me_

_The world goes still, so still inside and_

_When you say you love me_

_For a moment, there's no one else alive_

 

Shepard was pouring all of himself into the lyrics.  Kaidan had heard him sing many times over the months, but never like this.  As he started into the next verse, Kaidan’s chest began to ache.  Goddamn, Shepard belonged on a stage.  

He obviously wasn’t the only one affected by the performance.  His eyes never left Shepard, but he caught movement to his sides as Jack and Miranda wrapped their arms around each other and began to rock to the music.  Tali put her head down on Garrus’ shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her tight.  

As Shepard hit longer notes and worked his way through the chorus again, Kaidan realized that the room was dead silent other that music.  Conversation stopped and everyone was listening.

Shepard’s eyes were warm with love as he stared straight at Kaidan the whole time.

 

_When you say you love me_

_The world goes still, so still inside and_

_When you say you love me_

_In that moment,I know why I'm alive_

 

Kaidan became aware of the wedding ring on his finger, and his thumb curled inward to brush against it.  There was so much inside him right now clamoring to come out.  He hoped Shepard could see it when he looked at him.

The warmth in Shepard’s expression intensified as if he could hear Kaidan’s thoughts.  His voice dropped down, breathy and almost shaky as he sang the last few lines.

 

_When you say you love me._

_When you say you love me._

_Do you know how I love you?_

 

When the music finally faded, the room was quiet for a few moments.

Of course it was James that broke the silence.  “Dammit, Loco!  How is anyone supposed to follow that up?”

And then the room was full of laughter and applause.  Shepard was grinning as he stepped down from the platform.  Kaidan stood and met him halfway, wrapping his arms around the taller man and pulling him close.  He couldn’t even kiss Shepard yet because of how overwhelmed he was, so instead he buried his face in the fabric of his t-shirt.  

“What the hell was that?” Kaidan finally managed to say when he lifted his head again.

Shepard’s hand came up to cup the back of Kaidan’s head and he pulled him into a soft, closed-mouth kiss.  Then he bumped their foreheads together and smiled shyly.  “An invitation to go home and have Valentine’s sex?”

Kaidan chuckled and leaned into Shepard even more.  “Invitation accepted.  Let’s get the hell out of here.”

It wasn’t until much later that night that Kaidan realized smugly that he’d managed to get out of singing.  But his voice was hoarse anyway from all the things he and Shepard had done instead. 


	4. Happy Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was my birthday, and someone sent me an ask about mshenko and cake and this happened :D

The oven timer went off, and Kaidan dropped the spatula in the frosting so that he could check the cake.  The wooden toothpick he used to test it came out clean and he hummed appreciatively as he pulled the pan out of the oven.  He set it on the stove to cool and turned back to the frosting to add in the food coloring.  Garrus had dared him to cover the cake in pink and yellow flowers just to see the expression on Shepard’s face, and he’d taken the dare, because come on, that was bound to be hilarious.

Footsteps behind him alerted him to Shepard’s presence before he spoke.  “There isn’t a rule about not seeing your cake before the birthday party is there?”

Kaidan chuckled.  “Not exactly, no.  But I would like to keep this one a surprise.” He wanted to make sure Garrus was there to experience Shepard’s reaction as well.

Strong arms came around his waist and Shepard rested his chin on his shoulder.  “Can I at least taste the frosting?”

Kaidan turned just enough that the stubble on their cheeks brushed.  “Promise not to eat it all?”

“No.”  

“Then you can’t have any.”

Shepard growled and turned to press his mouth against Kaidan’s neck.  Goosebumps ran down Kaidan’s shoulder when teeth nipped roughly against his skin.  “Please, Kaidan.”  Shepard’s voice was a low growl that he typically only used when he wanted something.

Usually that something involved being naked.  And that, Kaidan was up for.  Literally.

Kaidan pressed his hips back, twisted a little until he felt Shepard’s small gasp against his skin.  Shepard’s arms tightened, slid down and pulled Kaidan closer and his half-hard dick nestled against Kaidan’s ass.  They were both still just wearing loose pajama bottoms since neither had bothered to get dressed yet, and the thin cloth did little to dampen the sensations.  

When Shepard began to grind against him, Kaidan forgot all about the frosting.  His head dropped forward and he braced his hands on the counter so he could press back against Shepard.

Taking advantage of the position, Shepard began dropping suckling kisses across the back of Kaidan’s neck.  His hands slipped to Kaidan’s hips for leverage.  “Is that a yes?”

“It’s a definite maybe,” Kaidan rasped.  

Shepard growled and wrapped Kaidan in his arms again.  But this time it was to drag him backwards into their bedroom.  Kaidan allowed the rough handling, and laughed a little when Shepard shoved him down onto the bed.  He hooked his fingers under the waistband of Kaidan’s pants and pulled them off, underwear and all, and then lay down over Kaidan’s body.

The weight of Shepard against his back made Kaidan arch up into him.  He grinned into the blankets when he realized where Shepard was going with this.  The idea of having Shepard inside him had him rocking his hips forward into the mattress for some much needed friction, and back into Shepard’s hips in a silent request that he hurry the fuck up.

“Want you for my birthday,” Shepard breathed in between kisses down Kaidan’s spine.  

“What, no ribbons and bows?” Kaidan teased.  He was rewarded with a stinging bite on the right cheek of his ass and he laughed. 

Shepard laughed too, and reached over to the bedside table to pull out a bottle of lube.  He was slow and thorough, waiting until Kaidan was begging before kneeling behind him and filling him up completely.

Later, when they were laying twined together, the sweat cooling on their bodies and their breathing finally returning to normal, Shepard got a wicked twinkle in his eye.  “Know what else I want for my birthday?”

Kaidan, too fucked out to be completely coherent, just hummed in question.  He blinked in surprise when Shepard rolled away from him and bounded off the bed.  A minute later Shepard returned, triumphantly carrying the bowl full of frosting and eating some directly from the spatula.  He plopped down on the bed next to Kaidan and offered him a bite.  “Frosting,” he said, licking some of the sweet confection from his bottom lip.

Kaidan laughed and licked the spatula Shepard held out to him.  “Well, I can always make more.”

“Exactly.”

“Happy Birthday.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jack used to bitch at Shepard every year for decorating the house on May 4th like it was a real holiday.  She'd sneer at the Star Wars themed dishes he set out.  She'd scoff at the banner he'd ordered from that thinknerd.com site.  She'd outright laugh at the Jedi Robe he insisted on wearing.

She'd been to the house that morning, and had actually groaned at the pain of seeing both Shepard and Kaidan so excited over the house decorations.  "You know you'll just have to take this all down tomorrow, right?" she called from the doorway where she watched Kaidan string a set of R2D2 fairy lights over the hall archway.  

Kaidan had just grinned at her over his shoulder and asked if she was there to help.

Ha, right!

Jack had beat a hasty retreat to the garage.  Shepard was under the hood of a beat to hell '67 Chevy Impala that he was restoring in between actual work.  The building was filled with the epic tones of the Imperial March.  She rolled her eyes and got to work, grumbling to herself that at least she didn't have to deal with this obsession as much now that she was living with Miranda.

She was grouchier than usual that day.  Even she noticed, which just made her snappier.  By the time the day had ended, she was ready for a shower, a cold beer, and possibly some girl-time with Miranda if she was up for it.

Miranda was working the closing shift at the diner, so Jack beat her home.  She tossed her jacket on the couch, and made a beeline for the fridge.  Beer had moved to the top of her list for the moment.  She stopped with her hand on the door handle, her eyes caught by a picture stuck to the front by a Millennium Falcon magnet.

She pulled the picture free and stared down at it.  It was an old picture.  Far enough back that Jack didn't have any visible tattoos, Shepard was unscarred and baby-faced, and Miranda still had that awful haircut she'd decided to try for highschool graduation.  

They were dressed in costumes for the midnight premiere of Star Wars: Episode I.  Jack was dressed as Han Solo, a privilege she had won in an arm wrestling match with Shepard.  He was dressed as a Jedi, which was his second choice, but she'd rubbed his nose in it for days.  Miranda was dressed as Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi, brandishing her plastic blaster at the camera.  Written across the bottom in sharpie, in Miranda's elegant script was "May the 4th be with you", with a little heart at the end.  She flipped it over and a note was written there.  

_I know how you always bitch about Shep and his Star Wars obsession, but I hope you don't mind if it holds fond memories for me.  Love, Miri._

Jack smiled.  That night - or morning, since the movie didn't get out until almost 3am - was the first night they'd made out.  

Maybe Star Wars day wasn't so bad after all.


	6. Please, put it DOWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a Tumblr prompt for "Please, put it DOWN", from delazur. Set between chapter 41 and the epilogue.

"JACK!"

Kaidan, who had been sipping at the complementary coffee Miranda always made for him whenever he stopped in the diner, jumped when Shepard crashed through the diner door, spilling most of the coffee over his uniform.  ”Shit!”

"JACK IF YOU ARE HERE YOU HAD BETTER COME OUT, RIGHT NOW."

Miranda looked completely unfazed as she brought Kaidan some towels.  ”She’s not here, Shepard.” She turned her attention to Kaidan.  ”Give me a minute and I’ll get you a fresh cup.”

Shepard stormed back out, and Kaidan quickly got up to follow him.  He had been with the other man for nearly a year now and he had never seen him so angry.  So he was thrown more than a little by the rage he’d heard in Shepard’s voice.  He had to jog to catch up to Shepard, who’s long strides had taken him all the way across the street again.

"Matt, wait up!  What’s wrong?"

Shepard spun around so fast, that Kaidan took a cautious step back.  ”What’s wrong?  I’ll tell you what’s wrong.  Jack took my truck out last night.”

Kaidan was sure there was more to the story, but Shepard was seething, and he’d stopped to (hopefully) try and control his anger.  His scars were a stark white against his flushed skin, and his eyes were dark with rage.  He had a crowbar in one hand, and he kept shaking it like he was looking for something - or someone - to hit with it.  

"Okay…" he said, dragging the word out.  "Did she not bring the truck back?"

Shepard’s nostrils flared.  ”Oh it’s back, but she didn’t bring it back herself.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a rumpled piece of paper, waving it at Kaidan but not letting him take it to read it.  ”She hired a tow truck to bring it back.  Because it’s not running.  Because she crashed it, and fucked up the front end.”  He crumpled the paper in his fist.  ”She nearly totaled my fucking truck, Kaidan!  It’s old!  I can’t just go out and buy parts to fix it!”

And then he threw the balled up paper on the ground, turned and swung the crowbar down on the already dented hood of the part car he had in the garage.  The loud clang of metal on metal crashed into Kaidan, making him wince because he had woken up with a low-grade migraine.  It was nothing he couldn’t deal with, but the noise Shepard was making was definitely not helping.  

"Matt…" No repsonse.  "Matt!"

Shepard finally spun around, the crowbar held like a bat in his fists.

"Put it down."

Shepard ground his teeth together and practically growled.  Kaidan felt a fleeting sympathy for the men who had faced Shepard in combat during the war.  But then he just felt irritated, so his voice was hard when he spoke.  ”Please, put it DOWN.”

Reacting to the command in Kaidan’s voice, Shepard did.  Well, he threw the crowbar down.  It clattered against the concrete floor and spun away into the garage, making even more noise that set Kaidan’s teeth on edge.  Then he ran his fingers over his newly buzzed scalp a few times before linking them behind his neck.

He was breathing hard, and starting to shake.  All Kaidan’s irritation fled.  If Shepard had a panic attack like the one he’d had in Vancouver, he might just have to knock him out.  

"Hey," Kaidan took the risk of touching him, sliding his fingers along Shepard’s arm and down his ribs.  

Shepard growled and then dropped his arms.  He tilted his head back and stood still while Kaidan stepped close and wrapped one arm around his waist.  His free hand caught Shepard’s wrist, pressing his thumb against his pulse and rubbing in small circles.  

"I’m sorry." Shepard’s voice was weak.  "It’s been a long time since I’ve been that angry and I kinda forgot how to deal with it."

Kaidan didn’t realize Shepard even had that kind of temper.  ”Did you used to have anger issues?”

Shepard finally lifted his head off his shoulders so he could look down at Kaidan.  His color seemed to be going back to normal, and after a brief moment of eye contact he looked a down at the ground between them sheepishly.  ”Sometimes… right after I came back from…”

Kaidan nodded his understanding.  ”I’m not going to have to warn Jack that you’re going to kill her, am I?”

That pulled a short bark of laughter from Shepard and he relaxed a little, the trembling in his limbs easing.  ”She’s seen me at my worst and she’s stood up to me.”  He looked up, and his blue eyes were earnest.  ”I wouldn’t hurt her Kaidan.”

Kaidan believed him.  He also believed Jack wouldn’t put up with Shepard’s shit.  And that thought finally eased some of his own tension.  He grinned.  ”That’s good.  But if it would make you feel better, I can arrest her when I see her.”

Shepard laughed again, sounding much more like himself.  ”You know I love you, right?”

It was hard not to grin, so Kaidan didn’t even try.  ”I had an inkling.”


	7. Look at me.  Just breathe, okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a Tumblr prompt for "Look at me. Just breathe, okay?" from someone anonymous.

Fireworks.  He fucking  _hated_  fireworks.  He should have known that being in a big city over New Years eve was a bad idea.  The crowds in Vancouver were always enough to make his mental state a little iffy, even with the new prescription Doctor Chakwas had given him.  But the pop and bang of the fireworks was really more than he could handle.

They were currently unavoidable though.  They were at Kaidan’s parent’s house, spending the evening in front of the fire and watching the countdown on TV.  It was a little odd to see it from a non-American perspective, but it was still a lot of fun.

When the fireworks had started outside, Shepard had dug his fingers into his thighs, and started counting by sevens.  Kaidan hadn’t noticed yet, and Shepard was glad.  He didn’t want to ruin the holiday for his husband.  Especially since the fireworks wouldn’t last that long.

There was another distant pop and his body jerked before he could control the movement.  

Kaidan, pressed against his side where they sat on the floor, definitely noticed that.  He turned a concerned look on Shepard, his thick brows drawn tightly together over his dark eyes.  ”Matt?  What’s the matter?”

He wouldn’t say it was nothing, because that would be a lie.  ”I’ll be fine.” He didn’t know when, but at least he was still being honest.  

Kaidan shifted, turning so that he faced Shepard.  He took his face in his hands, rubbing the pad of his thumb over Shepard’s scars.  Shepard kept his head tilted down, and concentrated on counting.   _112, 119, 126, 133, 140…._

_“_ Hey,” Kaidan’s voice was low and breathy, and smelled like the spiced rum he’d been drinking.  ”Look at me.” Shepard raised his eyes, latching onto Kaidan’s almost desperately when there was a sudden rapid popping of firecrackers.  ”Just breathe, okay?” _  
_

Shepard nodded.  He sucked air in through his mouth until his diaphragm ached.  He let it out slowly, still counting in his head.   _147, 154, 161…._

He repeated the exercise until he felt light headed from too much oxygen.  Leaning forward, he braced his forehead against Kaidan’s collarbone.  Strong arms wrapped around him, and they stayed pressed together like that until the fireworks ended.  Shepard had lost count somewhere around 224, and he’d started over.  

"Happy New Year," Kaidan whispered against his ear.

Shepard wiggled closer.  ”Love you, Kaidan.”


	8. Migraine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to write something schmoopy about Shepard taking care of Kaidan, since most of the time it's the other way around.

Shepard closed the bedroom door carefully, not wanting to disturb the cocoon of silence and darkness that Kaidan was resting in.  Normandy, upset about being locked out meowed softly and wove around his feet.  She obviously wanted to be let into the room since it had been off limits all day, but Kaidan had asked Shepard to keep her out.  

He scooped her up and nuzzled the top of her head.  ”Sorry, sweetheart.  Not right now.”  He carried her into the kitchen, only setting her down so that he could get her a can of wet food.  Once she was fed, he pulled out his mobile phone, dialing the Sheriff’s number from memory.  

Wrex answered on the second ring.  ”Shepard.” 

"Hey, Wrex."

"What do you need, kid?"  Straight to the point as always.  

"Kaidan can’t make it in.  Migraine."  He dug through the cupboard for a mug, filled it with water, and put it in the microwave.  Kaidan always said tea was better if the water was boiled, but Shepard wasn’t going to risk the tea kettle’s whistle disturbing him.

"Ah hell," Wrex grumbled.  "I’ll call in Garrus.  Thanks for letting me know."

Kaidan rarely missed work for his migraines, but Shepard made a mental note to buy Garrus dinner for covering for him.  ”Thanks, Wrex.”

When the call ended, he finished making tea, holding Normandy and rubbing the fur under her chin while he waited for it to steep.  She wasn’t happy with him when he put her down and nudged her with a foot to keep her out of the room.

"Matt?"

"Shhh." Shepard sat down on the edge of the bed gingerly.  He kept his voice to a low whisper.  "I brought you some tea."

There was a groan, and Kaidan sat up.  Passing the mug to him had to be done carefully since it was so dark in the room, but they manage.  Kaidan moaned again when he took a sip.  ”Thank you, Matt.”

Shepard found Kaidan’s thigh under the blankets, and squeezed.  He didn’t say it out loud because he knew how sensitive Kaidan was to sound right now, but taking care of his husband during a migraine was the least he could do considering how well Kaidan took care of him during his panic attacks.  

After a moment, Kaidan leaned over and set the mug on the bedside table.  Then his hands found Shepard, and tugged at him until they were laying together.  Kaidan rolled onto his stomach, and Shepard draped an arm over Kaidan’s back and a leg over his thighs.  A long sigh slipped out of his husband.

"Love you, Matt."

Shepard pressed a kiss against Kaidan’s shoulder.  ”Love you, too.”


	9. Better Things To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt wants attention, and knows exactly how to get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JupiterJames this is YOUR FAULT!

“Kaidan?”

“Hm?”

Matt rolled his head on the back of the couch and eyed his husband’s profile.  The room was dark, and Kaidan was lit by the flickering light of the TV.  A small smile was twitching around the edges of Kaidan’s mouth, but he resolutely kept his eyes forward.

“This movie is awful,” Matt points out.  “We should do something else.”

“Like what?”

Rolling his hips up and pressing the heel of his hand against the base of his dick did not get Kaidan to look at him, and Matt narrowed his eyes.  There was no way Kaidan could have missed that Matt had been stroking himself through his sweats for the last few minutes.  

So that’s the way he wanted to play it?  Challenge accepted.

Hooking his thumbs under the elastic band of his pants, he pulled them down along with his underwear.  His dick bounced free, and since he hadn’t taken his eyes off Kaidan, he didn’t miss the way his husband pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

“I can think of at least a few other things,” Matt answered in a low voice as he wrapped a hand around himself and started a long, slow stroke from the base to the head.

“Oh yeah?” Kaidan sounded a little breathless, but he still kept his eyes glued to the screen.

Matt continued to jack himself slowly, his fist loose so he wouldn’t get himself off too quickly.  He wanted Kaidan to participate first.  “Well, I was thinking that I could put on a better show for you.  And I’m hoping eventually you’ll let me fuck your mouth.”

Kaidan shivered and finally turned away from the TV.  But he didn’t look down at Matt’s hand, instead meeting Matt’s eyes unerringly in the dark.  “Jesus, Matt…”

Now that he had Kaidan’s attention, Matt grinned. He shifted on the couch so he sat sideways, facing Kaidan.  His hand slid down so he could cup his balls and press against the sensitive flesh behind them.  He couldn’t contain a soft whine in the back of his throat.  “What, you don’t like my idea?”

Instead of answering, Kaidan also shifted on the couch and reached for Matt’s hips.  He tugged at Matt’s sweat pants insistently until Matt lifted his hips.  In a matter of seconds, Matt was naked from the waist down.  Kaidan smoothed his palms up the inside of Matt’s thighs, forcing him to spread his legs.  

“What are you waiting for?” Kaidan husked softly.  “Give me a show.”

Matt grinned.  “Yes, Sir.”

He brought his other hand up and began stroking himself slowly, while the one he started with slid down further.  He pressed the tip of one finger inside himself and his head dropped back on his shoulders.  He felt Kaidan’s gaze like a weight on his skin, and he spread his legs further.  “How’s that?”

“Very good.”

The approval in Kaidan’s voice sent heat shooting up Matt’s spine.  He pressed his finger deeper.  He gasped when he felt one of Kaidan’s fingers slip in next to his.  It was slick with spit, and he was pissed at himself for not paying attention, because he would have loved to see Kaidan sucking his fingers.  

When Kaidan pushed deeper, Matt made another needy noise.

“You want me to blow you, or do you want me to fuck you?” Kaidan’s voice was close, and when Matt opened his eyes he found his husband braced over him on the couch.

Matt grinned.  “Yes?”

Kaidan chuckled.  “Wow, you are spoiled.”  And then he was leaning down and taking the head of Matt’s dick in his mouth while pushing his finger deeper.

Matt’s hips jerked and he sucked in a surprised breath.  Kaidan’s mouth was hot and wet and his tongue was downright wicked as it circled around the head of his dick.  He bucked up again, and Kaidan laughed again, the sound vibrating through Shepard’s hard flesh.  “Oh god, Kaidan.. I need… fuck… _fuck_.”

That last was a whine as Kaidan’s finger found the spot inside him that caused sparks to explode behind his eyelids. 

Kaidan released Matt’s dick with a sucking pop.  Matt’s eyes flew open and he lifted his head to protest, but Kaidan was surging over him and his words were muffled by Kaidan’s lips.  He opened under the kiss, letting Kaidan’s tongue invade his mouth.

When Kaidan released him, he was grinning, and Matt was too dazed to understand why.  “Stay here.  Don’t stop doing what you’re doing.”

“What?”

But Kaidan didn’t answer.  He pulled his finger out of Matt’s body, and then the heat of his body was gone.  Matt wanted to protest, but Kaidan had given him an order so he continued to stroke himself.  

“You are so damn sexy,” Kaidan said when he came back from wherever he’d gone.  He sat down on the couch, and-

Oh thank god, he’d grabbed the lube.

And he was naked.  This was an excellent development that Matt highly approved of.

Kaidan snapped open the bottle’s lid and poured a liberal amount into his palm.  He snapped it shut with one hand, and dropped it on the cushion between them.  As he stroked himself, smoothing the lube over his own erection, he reached out with his clean hand and grabbed Matt’s wrist and tugged.

Taking the hint, Matt let himself be pulled forward.  He swung one leg over Kaidan’s thighs to straddle him.  Kaidan reached between his legs and Matt whimpered when two slick fingers slipped inside of him.  His thighs trembled as he waited for Kaidan to spread the lube inside him with skilled fingers.

“Okay, Kaidan that’s good enough,” he muttered after only a few minutes.  Kaidan’s fingers felt fantastic, but Matt needed more.

Kaidan’s fingers disappeared and something thicker took their place.  His hands came up to Matt’s hips and squeezed them as Matt sank down slowly, taking Kaidan’s body deep inside his own.  When he was seated on Kaidan’s hips, he let out a happy sigh.

They started moving together, slowly at first and then picking up speed.  Realizing he was still wearing his shirt, Matt pulled it off and threw it aside.  He looked down to watch his dick bob above Kaidan’s stomach.  Watching Kaidan’s muscles flex as he thrust up into Matt’s body was hot as fuck, and he reached down to run his hands over skin that was burning hot to the touch.  

Kaidan grabbed one of his wrists and guided his hand down to his dick.  “Touch yourself Matt.  I want to feel you come.”

That was an easy enough order to follow, and soon Matt was right on the edge.  “I’m there, Kaidan… I’m there…”

“Yeah, Matt, come for me, come on.”

Kaidan’s voice was wrecked, and just like always, hearing an order in that roughened tone ratcheted Matt’s arousal even higher.  It was just what he needed to tip over the edge, and he let out a wordless shout as he spilled his pleasure over Kaidan’s chest.

“Oh god, Matt, yes I can feel you on my… oh god… _Matt_!"

Kaidan threw his head back against the couch cushions and his whole body locked up as he came deep inside Matt.  His thigh muscles clenched so hard that he lifted both of them up off the cushions for a few seconds before his body went limp.

“You’re right,” Kaidan gasped after a few heartbeats.  “That movie was awful, and this was a much better way to spend the time.”

Matt smirked and leaned down to press a soft kiss against Kaidan’s slack lips.  “What do you say we put in Back to the Future?”

“Shower first,” Kaidan murmured.  He smiled when Matt kissed him again.  “And we need popcorn.”

“Extra butter?”

Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard and pulled him into a hug.  “You know I love you right?”

“Okay, so yeah, extra butter.”  

He grunted out a laugh when Kaidan squeezed him tighter.

 


	10. Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pre-FLH story about JM being stuck in his apartment and being unable to call for help due to his agoraphobia. It doesn't seem all that bad in FLH because he's comfortable there. I was just thinking about how difficult it must have been for him before he got home and this happened.

The shaking wouldn’t stop long enough for him to dial the phone.  Every time he tried, he doubled up on digits or dropped the fucking phone. 

“This would be so much easier,” he muttered to himself, “If I set the number up on speed dial.” 

He’d probably still be unable to dial a single fucking digit.   

After failing to dial Dr. Chakwas’ number for the fifth time in a row, Matt finally let some of the roiling emotions inside him escape.  He screamed with fear and rage and shoved the edge of the phone in his mouth and bit down until he felt the screen crack against his teeth.   

Tears burned behind his eyes and he dropped the phone between his legs.  It was useless to him now.  The fucking thing wasn’t doing him any good with the screen intact, so the idea that he could manage to place a call to his shrink on a cracked screen was laughable.   

He held out his hand and stared at his shaking fingers and concentrated on making them go still. The trembling only increased and he clenched them into a fist and pressed it against his forehead. 

“Fucking Christ,” he choked out as the tears spilled out onto his cheeks.   

He was so fucking pathetic. Scarred, half crippled, and unable to leave his goddamn apartment.  Hell, at the moment he couldn’t even leave his bedroom.  He sat in the corner behind the bed where he couldn’t see the door to the hallway. 

He hurt from the hip down because sitting on the floor was horrible for his injuries, but he couldn’t bring himself to get out of the corner.  He needed walls at his back, and a small space where he could reach out and touch everything and know that nothing was burning or crumbling down around him.   

Fuck, if only he could dial the goddamn phone.  He needed help. 

The phone ringing startled him so badly that he slammed his head back against the wall.  Instinct kicked in quickly though and he scooped it up from the carpet.  The screen was blank because he’d broken the shit out of it.  He was lucky it was working at all, and doubly lucky that he hadn’t upgraded to a model that didn’t have a physical button to answer it. Despite the tremble in his fingers, he managed to answer it and praying that he hadn’t damaged the speaker he pressed it to his ear.   

“Hello?” 

“Hey fucker!” 

“Jack.”  It was a relieved exhale into the phone.

There was a short silence, and Jack’s voice no longer held the same cheer as her greeting.  “Matty, are you okay?” 

He was so grateful to have someone on the phone that he couldn’t contain a sob.  “No, Jack.  I’m not okay.” 

“I can be there in five hours.” 

A rush of relief made him light headed and he dropped his head back against the wall with a thump. “Thank you.  I owe you one.” 

Jack scoffed, the utter disgust so clear that he smiled a little because he could picture the way her top lip would curl up.  “I fuckin’ owe you ten, man.” 

She really didn’t. But he loved her for thinking so. “I guess this’ll make it nine,” he murmured.   

When he hung up, he noticed his hands weren’t shaking so badly.  Maybe he might be okay after all.


	11. Heavy on the Mayo

Kaidan snorts a quiet laugh as he watches Matt add even more mayonnaise to his sandwich.  He always adds so much that it oozes out from between the bread, yet somehow he manages to not make a mess when he eats.  

"What?" Matt asks without looking up from the sandwich he’s putting together for himself.

"Why do you even bother with the sandwich?  Why not just eat it with a spoon?" Kaidan asks before biting into his own lunch.  Roast beef, swiss cheese, lettuce and tomato.  And a reasonable amount of mayo and mustard.  

Matt shoots him an amused glance before looking down at the jar of mayo with a thoughtful expression.  Kaidan isn’t in the least surprised when he digs the butterknife into the jar and scoops out a dollop of the creamy condiment and shoves it into his mouth.  His blue eyes are focused into the distance as if he’s thinking about the taste as carefully as a wine connoisseur.  

He swallows, shrugs, and scoops another knife-full into his mouth before going back to putting his sandwich together.

Kaidan laughs and turns on a heel to walk out of the kitchen.  ”You’re disgusting,” he calls over his shoulder.

"But you love me," comes Matt’s singsong reply.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."  He plops down on the couch and grabs the remote so that he can unpause Pacific Rim once Matt rejoins him in the living room.  "I totally do."


	12. Too Much

Kaidan opened the bedroom door, but instead of finding his husband, he found Normandy curled up on Matt's pillow.  Her ears twitched, but otherwise she didn't react to his presence.  When he left the room, he left the door cracked so she could get out later if she wanted.  

He didn't find Matt in the kitchen or the spare bedroom either.  The bathroom was empty as well.  He'd started in the garage, and Jack had told him she hadn't seen Matt for at least an hour.

Frowning, Kaidan ended his search in the middle of the living room.  The house wasn't large, so it's not like Matt had anywhere to hide.  He guessed it was possible Matt may have left, but his truck was still parked behind the shop so he would have left on foot if he had gone anywhere.

"What the hell?" Kaidan murmured as he ran a hand through his hair.  

After a moment of thought, he went back outside.  The late afternoon heat hit him in the face, and he grimaced.  He wondered briefly if he would ever get used to living in the desert, but the thought was fleeting.  He needed to find Matt, and his search occupied his mind.

Simply because he had no idea where else to look, Kaidan walked around the side of the house to the carport where Matt's truck was parked.  He was headed for the cab door, when a glance in the back of the truck made him stop in his tracks.  

Matt was sitting in the truck bed right behind the passenger seat, his knees pulled up to his chest, his forehead resting on his knees.  His hands were linked behind his neck, and he was completely still other than the slight shift of his body every time he took a breath.

"Matt?" Kaidan called softly.  When Matt twitched at the sound of his voice, he knew something was seriously wrong.  He hurried to the back of the truck, and taking a grip on the tailgate, he hoisted himself up onto the bumper and then into the back of the truck.  "Matty, are you okay?"

"No."

Hearing the way Matt's voice broke on the single syllable caused a lump to rise up in Kaidan's own throat.  He settled down on the hard metal next to his husband, and tried to ignore how uncomfortable it was.  

It'd been a while since he'd seen Matt have an attack this bad.  He reached out and rubbed a palm between Matt's shoulder blades.  The cloth of his tank top was soaked through with sweat.  Relief rushed through Kaidan when Matt leaned into the touch.  "What can I do for you?"

"I just need it to be quiet," Matt whispered hoarsely.

It was over a hundred degrees outside, and Kaidan would really rather not let Matt sit out here, even if it's in the shade.  "It's quiet in the house."

Matt shook his head.  "Too much."

Kaidan resisted the urge to sigh.  Instead he turned to open the emergency kit and pulled out a bottle of water.  He unscrewed the cap, and put a hand on Matt's shoulder again, nudging at him until he lifted his head a little.  

His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and Kaidan was sure he'd been crying.  All the more reason to get some water into him.  

Matt eyed the water bottle blankly for a moment before he reached out and took it.  He tipped it to his mouth and drained it in several large swallows.  He gasped a breath when he finished, then threw the bottle into the far corner of the truck bed.  Although his skin was flushed from the heat, he already looked a little better.

"It's too hot out here," Kaidan said quietly.  He didn't want to aggravate Matt by speaking, but he couldn't leave him alone.  "What can I do to make the house a better option?"

To his surprise, Matt actually chuckled softly.  "You're not going to let me sit out here in peace, are you?"

"If I wasn't worried about you dying of heat stroke, I'd leave you alone."

Matt pulled in a deep breath and shifted to stretch his legs out in front of him.  The front of his shirt was also damp with sweat and it outlined the muscles of his chest and stomach.  Kaidan didn't bother trying to hide the fact that he was checking his husband out.  Being married gave him the right to do so.

"Alright, let's go inside," Matt said softly.

"Really?"  Kaidan smiled widely.  "You'd do that for me?"

"You have no plans on leaving me alone unless I go inside, so I'm doing this for me."  Matt softened the words with a smile.  He looked exhausted and jittery at the same time, but the smile was gentle and full of love.  

Kaidan leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss against his scarred cheek.  "Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah.  Let's go."

"Will you take your meds too?"

Matt pushed himself onto his hands and knees so he could climb out of the back of the truck.  He cast an amused glance at Kaidan as he passed him.  "Yes, dear."

Laughing softly, Kaidan followed him out of the truck.  If he was making jokes, he was already starting to feel better.  He would be okay.  

Kaidan would make sure of it.


	13. Happy Birthday JM!

The Blue Sun was packed and the party was still going strong even though it was nearly midnight.  The drunken karaoke had been going on for quite a while, and even Kaidan had imbibed enough beer to get up and sing, much to everyone’s delight.

He was a decent singer, but following one of JM’s performances made anyone look bad.  JM had whistled and cheered at the top of his lungs, then immediately dragged him into an open-mouthed kiss once he stepped down off the stage, so Kaidan didn’t feel put out by the rest of their friends teasing him about his lack of skill compared to JM.

Speaking of his husband, Kaidan couldn’t find him now.  Seeing as how JM tended to stick to one table so people could come to him, or towered over the crowd if he got up to walk around, JM’s disappearance was somewhat troubling.

Kaidan set down the beers he’d purchased at the table, but he didn’t sit.  “Where’s Matt?” he asked loudly over Tali’s rendition of Wrecking Ball.

Jack lifted her head from Miranda’s shoulder and frowned at him.  “I thought he went to find you.”

“Well he didn’t find me,” Kaidan responded as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.  He tapped out a quick message.

_Where are you?_

He was relieved when the reply came quickly.   _Out front._

Waving his phone at Jack and Miranda, and giving them a reassuring smile, he turned to make his way through the crowd.  At the entrance, Grunt held out a fist, which Kaidan tapped with his own knuckles on his way out.

Outside, he found Shepard standing with James and Steve.  He had a beer in one hand and the other shoved in his pocket, and was leaning against his truck.  He was laughing at whatever tall tale James was telling him.

“... saw that camel spider and screamed like a B movie horror queen.  And I swear, amigos, that guy will never take a shit in peace again.”

Steve was nearly breathless with laughter.  “Camel spiders don’t even live on this continent and now I’m not sure I can take a shit in peace after hearing that!”

“Calm down, Steve.  You also have the convenience of indoor plumbing,” JM added before lifting his beer to his lips.  

His eyes landed on Kaidan, and lit up.  He straightened from his slouch against the truck and held out his arm in welcome.

Kaidan happily slipped under it, and leaned into JM’s side.  “You disappeared on me.”

JM grimaced, his eyes soft with apology.  “It was just getting... to be a lot.  I needed some air.”

“We brought a little bit of the party out to him,” James said with a bright smile and a gentle punch to JM’s other shoulder.  “Couldn't let Loco be out here alone on his birthday.”

Kaidan knew that James and Steve probably followed JM out to make sure he wasn’t alone if he was having a panic attack, and he was grateful.  JM didn’t like to make a big deal of his attacks, but his closest friends knew the signs and kept an eye on him anyway.  Both men had also been in the military, although for less years than JM served, so they were easily able to empathize. 

“Wouldn't be a party without you, James,” JM said, holding his beer up in a toast.

There was a soft clink of beer bottles.  Kaidan hadn’t brought one outside, but he felt tipsy enough that that was probably a good thing.  

James started another story about an adventure he had while he was deployed, and Kaidan listened with half an ear.  When Steve interrupted with a question, distracting James for a moment, Kaidan looked up at JM.  “You doing okay?”

JM’s smile didn’t show a hint of unease.  “Best birthday ever.”

Kaidan chuckled softly.  He didn’t think karaoke at a bar was that big of a deal, although he was having fun too.  “Really?”

“Every birthday is,” JM murmured.  “Almost didn’t get to have any more, you know?  I appreciate them a lot more since I got these.”  He lifted the hand holding his beer and traced a finger over his scarred cheek.

“Makes sense.”  Kaidan shied away from thinking of how his life would have been different if JM hadn’t come back from the Middle East.  Instead he leaned up and pressed a kiss to his husband’s jaw.  Stubble scraped at his lips.  JM needed a shave.  “Well is there anything I can do to make it better?”

JM’s teeth flashed in a grin, and he leaned closer to murmur a suggestion in Kaidan’s ear.  “I could go for a repeat performance of this morning’s wake up call.”

Heat coiled inside him at the memory of all the noises JM had made while Kaidan had fucked into him slow and hard before they’d gotten out of bed.  “I can do that.”

“Uh oh,” Steve said, his eyes sparkling with humor.  He nudged James with an elbow to bring his attention to JM and Kaidan.  “That looks like a ‘let’s go home and bang’ conversation.”

JM laughed, low and husky and tightened his arm around Kaidan’s shoulders.  “Happy birthday to me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot that I only refer to Shepard as "JM" in my head cuz I was super tired when I wrote this lol


	14. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-FLH
> 
> Jack has brought Matt home from Denver after he called her for help.

After Jack brought Matt home from Denver he slept.  Well, he slept for most of the drive too, and she was grateful for that.  When she’d let herself into his apartment and found him huddled in the bathtub with the shower running, and she’d seen first hand the dark bruising under his eyes and how pale he was from hiding inside all the time, she figured a little sleep would do him some good.

They’d been home for a few days now, and Matt had barely spent any of it awake.  She knew he woke up sometimes, because he ate the food she brought him, and sometimes she would hear him moving around in the middle of the night.  But for the first three days, she barely saw him.

When his door finally cracked open one evening while she was eating a dinner consisting of Honey Nut Cheerios and a bottle of diet Pepsi, she looked up in surprise.  “Hey, Matty.  Hungry?”

He looked like shit.  His skin was pale, and the scarring on the left side of his face looked raw and painful even though it was healed over.  Despite all the sleep, the skin under his bloodshot eyes looked bruised, and his cheeks were hollow under his thickening beard.

Rubbing a hand over the lengthening stubble of his hair, Matt smiled at her.  “Yeah, but I could use something a little more filling than cereal.”

His smile was weak, but it still felt like watching the sun come out.  Jack had missed that crooked grin, and even with the way the side of his face twisted in a strange way because of the scars, it was familiar.  Her shoulders relaxed, and some of the anxiety swirling around in her stomach faded.  Matty would be okay.  She would make sure of it.  “We don’t have much in the house, but I could run across the street and pick up something for you.”

He perked up slightly, and she gave herself a point for guessing just what he needed.  “Get me a burger?  With extra mayo and pickles?”

She scowled at him, but there was no heat behind it.  “I know how you like your burgers asshole.”

He actually chuckled, and she gave herself three points.  She pushed herself up from the table and carried her bowl into the kitchen where she dumped it into the sink.  If she was picking up food from the diner, she was getting herself something too.

When she came back out to the living room, Matt was still standing in the doorway to his bedroom, looking around blankly.  He blinked at her when she poked him in the chest.  “Go take a shower while I’m gone.  You stink.”

He wrinkled his nose at her, but didn’t argue.  He ducked back into his room to grab some clean clothes, and she headed across the street to grab their dinner.

Matt was done with his shower by the time she got back, and she spread their meals across the little table.  He went straight for the fries, moaning happily around a mouthful of salty potatoes.  Satisfied that he was eating, she bit into her own pastrami sandwich.  Not bothering to swallow, she asked “So, you’re not going straight back to bed after this are you?”

He shook his head but didn’t look up from his food.  “I’m kind of tired of sleeping.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes.  “So what d’ya want to do?”

Matt shrugged and bit into his burger.  

Well, he may be awake, but he wasn’t all there.  They fell into a tense silence while they finished their dinners.

Jack didn’t like the way it felt to want to help him, but not knowing how.  And even though they had seen each other a few times a year when he came home from Denver to visit, she felt like the time he’d spent enlisted in the army had left a gap in their relationship.  Before he’d left, there wouldn’t have been any awkward silences like this.

She wasn’t sure if it was just how long it had been since they’d lived in each other’s pockets, or if it was the PTSD, but whatever it was, she wasn’t going to put up with it.  She shoved the last huge bite of her sandwich into her mouth and then left the table, ignoring Matt’s half-hearted inquiry when she went over to the T.V. and flipped it on.  She grabbed a DVD, and popped it in the player.

Once it was loading up, she turned and pointed at the couch.  “Get over here.”

Matt raised an eyebrow, and she tried not to stare at the way it pulled at the scars.  “You’re not the boss of me, Jack.”

She almost broke into tears at the familiar teasing lilt to his voice.  That was the Matty she knew and loved.  But she kept her cool and glared at him for all she was worth.  “Do I need to kick your ass?”

They both know she could probably do it, but he stared at her defiantly for a moment before snatching up the styrofoam box holding the last of his fries, and sullenly moved from the table to the couch.

Satisfied, she jerked her head with a nod.  “Stay put, I’ll be right back.”

She hit play on the DVD player, then stalked down the hall, and went into her room.  The box she needed was on the shelf at the top of her closet, and she grabbed it and pulled out the present she’d been saving for Matt’s birthday.  Today was a better day for it.

The familiar strains of the Star Wars theme was playing by the time she got back to the living room.  Matt had pulled his legs up on the couch, and was smiling faintly at the screen as he ate the last of his dinner.  Jack stopped in front of him, and ignored his glare when she blocked his view.

Holding up the Princess Leia hairbun earmuffs she’d ordered from the internet, she grinned at him.  “Gotcha something.”

It took a moment for Matt to realize what they were, and then he tilted his head back and laughed.

Score ten points.  Damn, she was already winning this game.

Matt reached out and took the earmuffs from her, and turned them over a few times in his hands.  His teeth were bright white against the shadow of his beard and his eyes were lit up with joy.  “Where did you find these?”

“Internet,” she answered as she plopped down on the couch next to him.  “Put ‘em on, let me see.”

He didn’t even hesitate.  He set them over his ears and turned to look at her, one eyebrow raised again in silent question.  She didn’t even notice the scars this time.

Laughing, Jack punched him lightly in his good shoulder.  “You look like an idiot.”

“Pfft, I look like royalty,” he snarked back.

“Royally stupid.”

“Fuck you, Princess Leia is the shit.”

Yeah she was.  But Jack would never admit her agreement.  She’d been bitching at Matt for his love of Star Wars since they were little kids, and she couldn’t let him think for even a moment that she’d changed her mind.  “Whatever, asshole.  Just watch your damn movie.”

He lifted his hand to his brow in a lazy salute and turned back to the T.V.  A few minutes after Luke activates R2-D2’s message system, Matt leaned into Jack’s shoulder.  “Thanks,” he says quietly.

She leaned her weight back against him, and ignored the tears that burned at the back of her eyes at the thought of how close she’d come to never having moments like these ever again.  “Anytime, Matty.  Anytime.” And then after another moment.  “I still hate this movie, though.”

Matt shifted, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to his side.  There was a smile in his voice when he spoke.  “I know.”

 


	15. Marriage Equality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June 26th, 2015 things change :)

The diner was packed on the morning of June 26th, 2015.  Friday mornings were usually busy, but today there was no food being ordered or served.  Everyone’s attention was glued to the screen of the crappy little T.V. mounted high on the wall above the window into the kitchen where James passed plates of food out to be delivered.

James had taken all the pans off the heat and was standing shoulder to shoulder with Steve at the end of the counter.  His brown eyes were wide and unblinking as he waited with the rest of the residents of Citadel who had paused their morning routine to watch the big announcement.  Steve was leaning into him, chewing his bottom lip anxiously.  

Jack was kneeling on the counter, where she’d climbed up to reach the volume buttons.  Miranda stood next to her, a hand on Jack’s ankle, as if to steady her so she wouldn’t fall.  But her attention was also fixed to the screen.

Matt took his eyes off the T.V. to glance around and see that everyone else was was just as anxious and breathless as he was.  All his friends were present except for Ashley, who was in Vancouver.  But he knew that in just a few minutes, she’d probably be blowing up his phone, no matter what the outcome of today’s vote was.

His eyes fell on Kaidan, who was listening intently to the news announcer, and he couldn’t look away.  They were already married, and had been for a while.  But their marriage license was based out of Canada, and the state they lived in didn’t legally recognize it.  But in just a few minutes, that could change.

Matt watched Kaidan’s profile, smiling fondly as the announcement was made.  Kaidan’s eyes widened, and his mouth fell open slightly as he took in a breath.  And then joy spread over his features, and Matt was glad he’d been watching Kaidan instead of whatever was happening on the T.V. 

Seeing that much happiness up close and personal was slightly more interesting than the actual announcement.

When Kaidan turned to look at him, he didn’t seem surprised at all to find Matt watching him.  His grin was so bright with excitement, that Matt felt like it should be blinding.  “Congratul-”

He didn’t get a chance to finish before Matt was kissing him.  

Around them the room erupted in cheers.

Matt was too busy making out with his now Official Husband to acknowledge all the pats on the back he was receiving or the buzz of his phone in his pocket.


	16. Netflix and Valentine's

“You know what I love about Netflix?”

Shepard shifts his head on Kaidan’s shoulder just enough to see his profile.  “It precedes ‘and chill’?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes, but his lips quirk up.  “That wasn’t where I was going with this conversation, no.”

“Well damn.”  There’s not a lot of disappointment behind his words.  He’s warm and comfortable in the sweats and t-shirt he threw on when he woke up.  Kaidan makes a great pillow, and they’ve been cuddling on the couch for hours watching cheesy romances.  Moving right now to mack on his husband would wake up Normandy since she’s using his lap for a bed and he’d kind of need it for the whole “and chill” thing.  

He rubs Normandy’s ears, and she makes a little _mrrp_ sound that he can just barely hear over the credit music coming from the tv.  Yeah, he can’t move right now.  She’s just as comfortable as he is and it would be rude to chase her off.  

“So what do you love about Netflix?” he prompts.

Kaidan presses a kiss to his temple, lifts the remote and navigates to the menu, and selects the next movie on their saved list.  “I don’t have to get up to change out the DVD.”

Shepard laughs, because the movie he started is one they own.  “We’re a couple of lazy bastards, aren’t we?  It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re in our pajamas and Netflixing movies we own.”

“Did you want to do something special?”  

“This _is_ special.”  Shepard snuggles deeper into the curve of Kaidan’s arm.

Kaidan tightens his arm briefly in a half hug.  “I think so too.”


End file.
